Back From the Shadows

I'm not shy about how I feel. I take after my mother in that sense--we have the inability to hide our feelings. Despite the weight of feeling I am usually pretty good at keeping my head up and not losing sight of the silver lining. But everybody has their breaking point, and mine was last week. Matt and I still haven't closed on our house--we're dealing with a seller who lives out of state and just completely goes off the grid for weeks at a time. He rarely makes contact, never returns messages, and his word means nothing. We've been told so many times that we're going to close on a certain date and he never comes through, never comes to town when he says he will. Last week he claimed he had a mild stroke and not even his realtor believes him. The constant let down has been hard, especially when I'm trying to register my son for kindergarten. I've learned how the actions of a single person creates a ripple affect that touches many. And the buyers for my house backed out because they couldn't get approved for a loan, so it's back on the market and I am left alone with the task of all the cleaning and mowing and getting it ready to show all the while caring for two kids and a dog who seem to cherish mess. And divorce is hard. I've been stoic and positive through it all, especially for the kids, but I never imagined how difficult it would be to see my kids smiling in photo after photo with another woman. I know I should be grateful that Derek's significant other is good to them, but it's hard to hear your 3 year old daughter talk about her constantly and unfiltered and wonder why Katie doesn't come over to my house. Phoenix probably doesn't remember the fact that she had been in my home and I cooked dinner for her and her then boyfriend. Hard to picture this woman walking around town with my kids and thinking how others must think she's their mom. And I know it's selfish and one-sided and I know Derek and I are in better places. I wouldn't change that, but I can't help but think this girl just waltzes in and feels pride and adoration for my kids when she had nothing to do with how they got to be such great kids. I'm there for the hardest times, for all the highs and lows. I'm sure every mother can attest to the fact that it isn't easy and there is little appreciation for all your sacrifice. Appreciation is even harder to come by when your kids talk about another woman. But the fact is that's my reality now, as it is for a lot of other mothers. And the truth is there isn't anything in this world that will change the fact that I am their mom and there is nothing that will break the bond we share. So I'm done with this weight and I will trust the truth in our hearts. My kids are loved and that circle of love is just growing larger. My house will find the right buyers. Matt and I will close on a house when the time is right and start fleshing out the dreams that have been building in our minds. And all the while the sun will rise and the dew on the grass will burn off and the owls continue to hoot. Stars and meteor showers and water. Just yesterday I heard two separate people say "there's just something about the water". It's time to be still and breathe.