A Sweet Exchange

On a Tuesday morning after dropping Fisher off at school, Phoenix and I were headed to Home Depot to pick up some supplies for the house. She rolled her window down as she often does, and she says to me--I'm blowing kisses out the window and they're floating up to land on the birds flying by. And so all morning as we drove we blew kisses to the birds and the world. I told her maybe the wind would carry one to Fisher, who by then would be out on the playground for recess and it would land on him and he wouldn't feel alone. Kindergarten has been a difficult transition for him, as it has for me--his absence is known. Over a week has passed since the wind took our kisses. Yesterday Phoenix and I were walking downtown just to see what we could see. There I am pushing her in the stroller and crossing a bridge when she raises her arms and shouts--let it free. Good words, I told her. And then as if on cue, a feather caught in the scuttle of the breeze came to a stop right at our feet. Phoenix, I said, I bet that came from one of the birds you blew a kiss to and it dropped a feather to say thank you. Maybe it's a birds' way of blowing a kiss back. But in my mind I was thinking it was a sign that taking time to be present with just Phoenix--to have that one on one girl time--was exactly what I should be doing. I find a lot of feathers--they'll appear and land in front of me in the most random of places. Like the one that blew along the street and landed, still, in front of me on my first date with Matt. Always in these moments I get the feeling that it isn't some random thing, that it's some sign telling me this path is right, I'm doing what I should. Maybe these little nudges are all around us and we just have to take the time to notice. We just have to look.

Moving Forwad

This summer has been a whirlwind. There have been days on end where I don't recall having had time to sit down and eat a meal. I've busted my knuckles, bled, and bruised my body. Weeks went without time to pause under the sky and breathe. There were more struggles with closing on the house and when it did finally come, because it had been stalled for so long, we had to work in overdrive to get things ready. And for most of it, it has just been me and Matt working alone. We painted every ceiling and wall, moved everything out of my house (which finally sold last week), and have run with our minds stretched in 100 different directions to get things in shape on this house that hasn't been touched for years. Our first night here I discovered a gas leak. New lights and toilets and drywall patching and plumbing and overgrown yard work and trying to feel settled in this place where we can't fully unpack. This week we'll be tearing out the kitchen cabinets and installing wood floors throughout the upstairs and building new cabinets to install. Again, just the two of us. But then we can finally unpack, finally have a chance to sit back and not look around and see only work to be done. The kids have been troopers, yet it hasn't been the same kind of kick it around summer here, not when my stress is a mountain. Fisher has said this to me--mom you work too much, I can't wait for you to take a break and play with us. We did manage to find space for a family vacation--took them to the Black Hills and camped and climbed mountains and slept all 5 of us in a tent and watched Fisher morph into his latest fascination--a lumberjack. Translation: Matt and I got no rest. So this slimmed down version of the last two months is a reason for my absence here.

And this too--in the midst of all this work and stress my beautiful, smart, mother of 3 great kids and talented sister learned she had breast cancer. She just turned 40 last spring. It was the closest the C word has struck. How could I not cry and wonder, but she told me she didn't want any tears, that she only wanted to be surrounded by positive thoughts, and to go get a baseline mammogram myself, which I did and which was clear. The cancer was in the milk duct of one breast but since us Hickman girls are strong stock and because she didn't want years of worry, she opted to have a double mastectomy. Her surgery was last week and it went well. I've heard it's a hard thing for a woman to have that part of her taken away, but she's tough enough to reason that it's a small price to stay alive. And so you do these things and move on and move forward. The Carrie I know has always been stoic, a grin and bare it type, so I didn't think she would want me to give words on here. But I went down to see her and give her a massage and reiki session this week and she told me she didn't mind, that she has found herself talking about it with others because she wants every woman to be aware and to get tested. In her mind the best way to support her is to go get tested. And the thing is that is how she learned of her own cancer--she got a mammogram because her husband's cousin was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's no wonder Carrie correlates support for her with others protecting their own lives, because the outpouring of kindness sent to her has been heartwarming. I've been driven to tears several times because of the little things people have done for her. Like this--she went to have a pedicure and the woman next to her learned of her recent surgery. As Carrie went to pay she was told that woman, who by then had already left, paid for her services. The local salon pooled together to offer her free hair washes since she can't shower and raise her arms to her head for some time. Her family will be eating well for weeks because of all the meals brought to them. She says she'll be writing thank-you's for a good long while. And I think this--now she will be around for a good long while. My sister, the sharer of my childhood.

It will be some time before things slow down enough that I can write daily again, but it will come. The other day I was using a hand saw to cut a tricky angle on a board (Matt's new nickname for me is rough-cut), and when I first started it was hard and slow going and I was unsure for a moment if I would be able to do it. But then I reminded myself that it doesn't matter how long it takes, if I just keep hacking away at it eventually I'll get through. And I did. You do these things and move on and move forward. Just keep going.