2015 Holiday Letter

Fisher has his heart set on being Santa Claus when he grows up. I sometimes catch him sticking his head up the chimney to see how he's going to fit. 1st grade and he carries that magic. I tell him I believe he is already Santa, as he is giving and kind. He does well in school and his teachers love him. I sometimes worry that his tender heart will get tossed around by the rambunctious show-offs in his class and his kindness will get abused, but it helps that the girls all dote on him and that he has a good sense of humor. He loves to ride his bike and chop wood and build and treasure hunt. He is forever constructing and creating. The other day Phoenix came up to me and said Fisher told her he didn't care if he got any presents for Christmas, that he just wanted to be with his family and it made her eyes tear up. These kids are going to be fine.

When Phoenix isn't mimicking her big sister Ella's every move, she's singing, dancing, playing dolls, biking, making art, destroying the house, and making plans to take over the world. She has the kind of fire in her to do just that. Her teachers tell me she's the only preschooler in her class that understands sarcasm. She's tough. She's smart. She's watching your every move, which is appropriate as she wants to write stories when she grows up.

Ella has truly embraced her role as big sister after years of wanting a family to sit at the dinner table with, and to bond. For better or worse, she has it now! She too excels in school and has taken up speech and robotics this year. Most days she's traipsing about the woods with her headphones on singing at the sky. She still loves studying languages and I now know lots of random French, Swedish, and German words for various fruits. She went on a school trip to Europe this summer and now her heart is set on Ireland.

As for Matt and I, we are trying to pretend that planning a wedding is easy and hoping it'll all come together on its own as neither of us are good planners. It's set for July 16. I believe things are as easy or as complicated as you make them, so that's my plan--easy. Matt is still kicking it in sales for Learfguard and his hard work brought him the title of highest sales for the year again. When he isn't solving people's problems, he is on the riding lawn mower. Seriously, mowing until the sky spills its black ink. It's his new way of meditating. That and learning to play the banjo, or tinkering with the garden, or felling trees or creating a to-do list that'll take him years to accomplish. Big dreams to go with that big heart.

Me? Today I figured out how to use a ripsaw for the first time. Last week I sanded and stained all the interior doors. Before that I was probably painting or hauling or constructing something. I've discovered my own form of meditation. I started writing a children's book series, took on another scoring project for Pearson education, and was honored to be asked to help with editing and selecting works for my friend's new literary magazine, The Wax Paper, all the while running the household. I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is busy and hectic and messy (3 kids, 7 chickens and a dog will do that), but it is ours and we have each other--this family we have made. Our spirits are good.

My mother claimed recently how I have changed, how I seem more loving with her and my dad, not that I never showed love before. It's just different she says. I knew the answer to that straight off because I feel the change deep in my marrow--I have softened. This love that Matt and I share, these 3 intelligent and kind kids--it has given me a new measure for what my heart can do. It has redefined me. Frankly it has been at times a rocky year, but I have learned these things: your truth only matters to you and the people you hold dear. I learned how to forgive and let go. I've realized how lucky I am to have been raised by respectful and accepting parents. They have embraced Matt and Ella and our family wholeheartedly and continue to be a source of great support. I am lucky. And soft. And thankful. May all of you feel thankful and enjoy a peaceful holiday season. May you know your worth.

Let's Agree to Disagree

Matt and I went to Wooly's the night before Thanksgiving to see the Grateful Dead tribute band, the Schwag. Every time I have gone to see a concert there I am struck by the diverse age of the crowd. We span 5 decades, with hair styles that range from dread locks to slick backs to bald. Such different appearances, yet all of us gathered in the glow of stage lights and the guitar riffs of one of the most talented musicians I have seen. Up front and center on the floor was a group of super hippie hipsters in their 40's grooving and hollering "yeah, man" and trying to draw attention to themselves in a way to show how unique they were--not unlike goth kids who dress to be misunderstood so they can be treated with misunderstanding. Not unlike suburbanites and yuppies who accumulate lots of flash and think everyone wants what they have. Not unlike Republicans who think they know better, or Democrats who think their way is true. Not unlike religious extremists or gang members or PETA or the NRA. The list goes on, encompassing all sides.

Watching this group of aging hippies who never wanted to grow up I realized this--their energy was no different than the groups of people they would define as the enemies to their way of life. What all of these people (me and you included) have in common is the belief that they are right, and perhaps societies build these outward illusions that exclude others just to feed the idea that they are right. Matt used to have long hair and would be invited to attend shindigs by other people with long hair and dreads, The day he cut his hair they stopped calling. This exclusionary mentality only serves to feed the notion of us versus them, only serves to polarize humanity, thereby sabotaging their ability to ever truly connect and be understood.

And maybe we are all just a bunch of goth teenagers dressing in all back to fulfill the prophecy that we are misunderstood. Because it is easier to be a victim than to truly find solutions and compromise and let go of the ego so we can just get along. If you can't get beyond the notion that you are right and they are wrong than you will go nowhere. It only perpetuates the polarization and the outward display of this disconnect that sadly unfolds in headlines every day with mass shootings and terrorizing and debate. All at the expense of our HUMANITY. 

Someone reminded me this week of the phrase "agree to disagree." It stopped me in my tracks with its simplicity and timelessness. It made my heart feel unburdened, that I could finally move forward and not be stuck in a phase of trying to be right about something, which I have often been guilty of doing. We are all set in our ways--no one is immune. I realized I had been clutching to my ego and my sense of truth. But we all have a different sense of truth. If we don't surrender to that notion then we go nowhere. What matters more than being right is connecting. What matters most is peace. To say let's agree to disagree doesn't diminish your own truth, but it does get rid of the roadblock to real peace and understanding. Understanding that we are all a lot more similar than our words and ideologies suggest, which is at the core - human beings - all seeking a way, all searching for love and kinship. All of us seeking acceptance. Ghandi said "be the change you wish to see in the world" so maybe if we all love and accept ourselves the world will finally be a mirror for peace.