Being Vulnerable

I am truly thankful for this path that I am on--all my travels and the friends that stick no matter what, birthing two spirited children, and finding Matt, the love of my life, and his daughter Ella. Becoming this family of 5 with a dog and chickens and this home that we have revitalized and our land where squash and pumpkins and berries and tomatoes grow thick. And the pride in my parents for embracing another granddaughter and son-in-law. I've been through a lot of challenging times and I grew strong. I was tough--I could handle anything. But then these children softened me. And Matt softened me. And I've realized that my old stoicism no longer works. Because real, deep love is vulnerable. Not in the "I'm always going to be hurt" sense, but in the "I'm going to do this no matter what" sense and that takes a leap of faith. I've realized that the greatest strength is being okay with vulnerability.

I don't know many divorced-with-kids people and even Ella's mom is not really in the picture, so this path is an unchartered one. I made the decision years ago to be a stay at home mom because I didn't want to miss out on seeing my kids grow. And since the divorce I do miss out--3 nights a week. I've learned how hurtful it is to tell a divorced parent: "oh I don't have the luxury of (fill in the blanks) because I always have my kids." I didn't choose this. It is not a luxury to go without them 3 times a week. I've learned that to get through the heartbreak of hearing my kids say "I've done this" or already "tried this" and I wasn't there for it, that I need to be thankful for their opportunities and be a stable ground. I've realized that I've got to stay out of the way and not try to implant myself by going over the top to impress them and just provide consistent love and comfort. To just be me--vulnerable to the fact that I am enough just being me and refusing to compete with their affections.

The best thing my mother has ever said on raising me is "Casey, we had no idea what we were doing and just did the best we could." I've realized to admit that kind of vulnerability is a profound call to love. I've realized that it is essential to give your best, be kind and loving, and things will work themselves out eventually (after periods where they don't). Love prevails. I have Matt and 3 kids and parents and a handful of "any weather" friends to thank for that.