I'm Still Here

My absence on here is due to the fact that I've been picking up extra work--scoring essays for the SAT as well as scholarship essays for a local college. And when I'm not reading essays, running the household, parenting, taking care of the dog, getting the house ready to sell, looking for a new home, and exercising, I'm spending the rest of my time with Matt. We are working towards our future together. So right now I'm in the limbo phase again. Come to think of it, I am often in this transitional state. I don't feel like I have ever settled down. I went from graduating from Simpson College to graduate school at Minnesota State University. And then it was on to Iowa City for two years while Derek was in school, before moving to Green Bay--which was to be a 2 year stint and turned into 5. 3 years ago we moved to Des Moines. And then the separation and divorce. I've never felt like I have lived in a place where I can actually set down some roots, where I can plant apple and pear and cherry trees. I wonder--does anyone actually ever feel settled if the only constant is change? At what age do we feel moored to something? I do know one thing--I am ready to plant, ready to settle in with Matt. Maybe this is why hitherto for I've been unsettled. Maybe this is why for years my writing has been plagued with a sense of longing. I was waiting for him. Since we have been together things seem to have just fallen into place, so much so that it honestly feels like our togetherness was crafted by some universal plan. And then these little occurrences happen to solidify that magical feeling--last week Matt was talking with an older gentleman who recommended the readings of Immanuel Kant. And last night he and his daughter Ella were over and Phoenix had gone to my bookcase and randomly pulled out my one and only Kant book and set it on the sofa. Why did she choose that book out of hundreds? And why did she place it alone on the sofa where Matt would easily see it and tell me that Kant's works were just recommended to him? I flipped open the book and read the first line that appeared, which was about how our happiness is a moral law. One of my favorite quotes by Kant is "Morality is not the doctrine of how we may make ourselves happy, but how we may make ourselves worthy of happiness." Maybe all this time I've just been working on my personal growth to make myself worthy. We'll be starting our garden soon, I hope.