This Year

Some of you have read bits of this in a different communication, but not here and not all of it, so here goes. One of my fondest memories happened years ago. I was sitting on a tree-hemmed hill on a summer afternoon, alone and writing. A movement caught my eye and I looked up to see a fox a few feet away standing still and looking at me as if to see what I might mean. I stared back, just as quiet and curious. Several minutes passed like this—just me and this wild animal transfixed in that stillness. Nothing else in the world occurred. I remember the thin bones of his ankles and his rust-colored eyes. What passed between us—do no harm. It’d make for a sexier story if it had been a cougar or bear, but it was moving nonetheless. There have been times since then that I felt that stillness and that pure connection with a present moment. I felt it when I gave birth to my kids. I feel it when I look into a fire, when I see live music, or stand by a body of water. But it doesn’t happen often enough, does it? Our thoughts are always swimming between our past and future, scattered. It’s been a strange year. I’ve suffered from chronic headaches, brain fog, and a month long bout of vertigo and thus have been consumed with anxiety and worry that I was dying. I saw doctors, had tests (CAT scan, MRI, ENG balance test), blood work, tried massage, chiropractor, acupuncture, and lots of different drugs. Nothing worked and nothing was discovered. I’ve never been so scared and so frustrated. Things like time got away. I don’t relate any of this for sympathy or concern; it’s just that this has been my year. However, I am getting better. And remembering that fox now makes me think there is a lesson in all of this—be still, be present, be connected. I am actually thankful for the intrusion this brought to my life because after the fear and loneliness I have come to find a greater peace and strength in myself. I've always been a quiet observer. I have friends whom I cherish but find it difficult to make new friends because I am not fond of the surface conversations that are required of talking to new people and thus find myself alone with my thoughts quite often. Thoughts can take on a life of their own, but in this crappy year I have learned to focus these thoughts on the present and not be consumed with worry over things that might never happen. My mantra has become: for now. I started writing and reading more, started an intense work out regiment, and became a student of the world again--lit up with passion for possibilities. And with all of this I have gained confidence to live and speak from my heart. I've learned that confidence equals happiness. I've decided I need to put myself out there more, so here I am.